Last night as I was sitting in the audience at the Miami Book Fair, waiting for Mitch Kaplan to introduce the journalist who was going to introduce the author Richard Powers, I realized that I am an all or nothing kind of girl. Earlier in the day I made plans with the father to go that evening. Later in the day however, I started feeling tired and overwhelmed with how full my night and week and weekend was looking and my brain said “You don’t have any time for yourself!” And my body said: “I agree, I don’t feel good…” Then it made me feel lightheaded and slightly headachy. “See?” it said. My brain said, “Yeah and you haven’t been to a meeting, and it’s a long drive down there and the guy probably won’t even be that interesting and you won’t really even get to talk to the father that much.” And. And. And.
Richard Powers is the author of Generosity: An Enhancement, a book that I have really no interest in reading. Neuroscience and our genes and the brain and all that good stuff I am very interested in. But the thought of Powers, supposedly a superduper brainiac man (possibly the smartest author in America), writing about love and human emotion and interaction makes me want to die a little on the inside. So I really didn’t expect to enjoy his reading.
But once I was down there, in the auditorium sitting with the father on top of yellow sheets of paper that said “Reserved: Press,” surrounded by other book lovers, looking at the fairgoer’s guide (written by the father) I suddenly wanted to be there everyday for every event! And I couldn’t believe that I had missed the previous nights. And that I couldn’t be there on Saturday, when most of the people I want to see are appearing. I was intoxicated by the atmosphere and the way that it made me feel and I didn’t want to miss anything. And really Miami isn’t that far away and why don’t I go to BooksandBooks (andbooksandbooksandbooksandbooks) (and books) more often when there are writers, even if I haven’t read the book?
Later when I was home and my brain had adjusted and drifted back somewhere in the middle of these extremes (I don’t know if I would call it balance…balance? What’s balance?) I realized that this is the way I do everything. I know no moderation. If I exercise I get really into my goals and also the way that it makes me feel (good) and I want to do it everyday. If I start cleaning I really clean…I take a toothbrush to the bathroom. If I write, I need to write everyday, by gawd, I think I’ll write a novel! If I drink coffee I drink at least a pot a day. If I’m writing letters, I’m writing them all the time. If I go to a concert, then I can’t miss anyone and I go and I look up all my favorite bands and all the local venues to see who is playing where when and how to get tickets. And if I’m not, well then I’m just not. I think that it has something to do with routine. For me, it is much easier to do things if I am doing them all the time, on a regular semi-scheduled basis. Strange for someone who hates schedules? Yes, but still imperative. I function much better with a schedule. If I don’t go to a reading or anything for a long time, then 1. They become kind of scary. 2. I forget how much I enjoy them. and 3. Well, three, is that elusive one that I can’t quite seem to grasp. Three is the aspect that includes balance, three is my all or nothing mentality. I think that it is this balance thing that I need to work on. I need to find out what it is and how to obtain it and how to keep it going. I can’t do everything perfectly all the time. There simply isn’t enough time. Has anyone seen balance lately? Or know how I can get in touch with him?
RC
November 13, 2009 at 1:55 am |
Okay, let me just say: Grrrrr, to you! I always call myself an all or nothing kinda girl. Why do you think I have a tattoo of the ying yang sign on my back??? It’s to help remind me of balance. And plus, the sun and moon are supposed to provide balance.
I was very struck by the idea of balance in my world religion class in college. We were learning about an eastern religion and we read about a guy who preached about balance. You know, they do not believe it opposites. They believe that things are the same, just on different sides. Like if you take a stick, it has two ends, right? And if you balance that stick on your finger, it stays. However, if you put any pressure on one side, the stick falls. But you can put all the pressure you want right in the middle, and the stick stays. I want to find the center of the stick.
Now, i guess since you are a space person and I am just an astronaut, you win this. Even though I had this realization about myself a long time ago. But I will still sing it for you: tu gana tu gana tu gana.
Oh, one more thing. You know, when I look at mom I think I see about as close to the center of the stick as you can get. And, that’s why i wanna be just like my mommy when I grow up!!!!!
November 24, 2009 at 2:34 pm |
Yes, I remember you telling me about the stick thing and that makes sense to me. And it helps to think about it as two sides of the same thing. But it also is a lot for my little brain to handle. But it also helps. It is not something completely foreign, opposites are so opposite because they have so much in common. I am looking for this thing called balance. It is very hard though. I don’t seem to work like that. But I think that I am on my way to learning how to.
I agree about Mommy. And I do want to be more like her when I grow up. It is amazing that she just has it, I think her brain is very balanced. I think that you are more like her than I am you lucky duck. I am reading this book called “The Happiness Hypothesis” by Jonathan Haidt and it is largely about how hard it is to change – you can’t just decide to do it. Because most of the time we decide to change and we do something for a little while but before we know it we are back to our old ways. We have to retrain the elephant. We have to create new pathways in the brain. And balance is not natural for me and so I will have to train myself.
December 13, 2009 at 5:01 pm |
How do you do this illusive thing, train the elephant? I wanna learn.
A